she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
