so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
