wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
