Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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