I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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