Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you didnt know i had herpes?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
