Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
