cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
