mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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