someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Don't make out with my wife yet
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
