I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
