Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
