hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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