he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Who put my cat in the fridge?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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