Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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