Fine. I'll sleep in my office
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
