So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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