remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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