You smell like a Billy Joel song
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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