apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
