I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He felt like a one man threesome
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
