Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
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