ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
