Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
