508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
