I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
