Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
