So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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