i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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