I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
