if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
