sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We are all done wearing pants today
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
