turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
