Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
