I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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