Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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