K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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