I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
