Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
