better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
