The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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