i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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