Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
