"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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