Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
