just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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