I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
