Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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