when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
