God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Randomize
